


The Wrong Soldier

by birdbrains



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 20:05:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2824529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdbrains/pseuds/birdbrains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They fall back into their old way of talking. At least it seems that way--sometimes Steve listens to the conversations go by and it's the same kind of jokes, the same phrases, and he can't figure out what exactly is different. Something feels different, in the big picture, a thread that runs through all their conversations. It just colors them wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wrong Soldier

Bucky seems the same. He looks the same except for his arm, and he treats it like any old arm, except when he wants to show off the tricks it can do. He still talks like Bucky, maybe a little more modern because unlike Steve he didn't go straight from the forties to now. He picked stuff up along the way. But he has the same sense of humor, same favorite foods, and Steve finds he can pretty much predict the way Bucky will react to things, what people he'll like, whatever--like he always could.

They fall back into their old way of talking. At least it seems that way--sometimes Steve listens to the conversations go by and it's the same kind of jokes, the same phrases, and he can't figure out what exactly is different. Something feels different, in the big picture, a thread that runs through all their conversations. It just colors them wrong.

Then one day, Steve is telling a story about some crazy thing Bucky's cousin did at a wedding. He's telling it to Sam, and Bucky is helping him tell it, filling in the blanks. It's a better story with the two of them working together, half talking over each other. Then Steve remembers, "Hey wait, it wasn't your cousin, it was your sister."

"Yeah, it was Becca," Bucky says. "She was about fifteen."

Steve tries to picture the story with Becca, then goes, "Was it not at a wedding either?"

"No, it was just a regular Mass," Bucky says. "It's still crazy."

Sam says, "Steve, of the two of you, how is it you're the one with the Swiss cheese brain?"

///

It doesn't seem like the right time to bring it up, but later, when they're alone, Steve feels like he has to. It's completely stupid and trivial, but he has to. "Bucky, I was wrong. You knew I was remembering wrong."

Bucky looks nonplussed. "About?"

"About the story about Becca. How come you let me say it was your cousin when you knew it was Becca?"

"Uh, I don't know?" Bucky still looks confused and Steve can't blame him--there's not really any reason for Steve to care about a detail in an old story. it doesn't matter that he was wrong, it just matters that there's something wrong with Bucky not telling him when he's wrong.

"Buck, you don't..." Steve tries to put together what he's saying, and then it starts to pile up, the little wrong notes. "You don't really ever tell me when I'm wrong, do you? Or when you think I'm wrong? You always used to chew me out when you thought I was being stupid, but you don't ever do that anymore."

"Am I in trouble?" Bucky says lightly. He's not fully paying attention, but Steve just sits there looking at him until he does. "Okay, I guess I don't argue that much. Maybe you're just usually right about things, ever thought of that?"

"*No*," Steve says. Is Bucky joking? But he still looks like he doesn't know what Steve is getting at.

"I mean, did I ever really chew you out that much? It would kind of have put a crick in things with you being my commanding officer. And before that...well, you always had such a strong personality. I was probably a little afraid of you."

"Bucky, I was like three feet tall."

"Well, personality's important."

Steve doesn't know what to say. Is it possible that Bucky was afraid of him when they were kids and he didn't notice somehow? No, it's just not possible. "Bucky, you weren't scared of me or intimidated by me. I'm sure you weren't. Don't you...hey, don't you remember when I got in an argument with that girl named Katherine and you chewed me out for that? You said it looks bad to argue with a girl, that it made me look like a jerk."

"No, I wouldn't say that. She was probably wrong, right?" Bucky says.

"You don't remember it?"

"I--well, I guess I do remember it," Bucky says. He paused. "Hm, yeah, I do remember it, it just...doesn't seem like something I would do."

"Well, you did," Steve says.

"But I wouldn't have argued with you in the war."

"Buck, of course you did!" Steve is mostly confused, but part of him is a little panicked. He feels like he must be going crazy, because now it seems to him that this was one of the biggest things about who they were. Bucky always questioned him and pestered him and generally didn't take any shit. They fought and yelled and in the moment, sometimes he hated Bucky for pointing out that he was wrong, but it probably made Steve a little less of an asshole. Now Bucky is denying that any of this ever happened.

"So you're mad at me for...not arguing with you, and saying that you're usually right." Bucky thinks this is funny, and Steve gets how it could seem funny, but it's just...

"You're scaring me," he says, and Bucky goes pale and serious.

"Hey, no, it's okay, Steve. I'm still...I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm still me." Jesus, he's not that kind of scared, and it's even worse that Bucky thinks he would be. "It just, well, Steve, it wouldn't really make sense if I was arguing with you in the war, right? You were the captain. Missions don't really go so well if everyone's arguing with the captain and pointing out when he's doing something wrong."

This is too much for Steve. "Are you kidding? Of course captains need to be questioned. One guy shouldn't have all the power and not have anyone calling out his mistakes--I made good decisions because I had you and other people questioning me. Don't you remember sitting at that table and arguing with me? Don't you remember looking at plans together and figuring out together what we were gonna do?"

"I do remember," Bucky says, and again he says it a little slowly, again he says, "Hm. It just doesn't--I mean, I don't have a lot of holes. If I try--I'm trying now, and I can remember times when I contradicted you, but it doesn't seem right. I mean--I was a soldier, and I'd like to think I was a pretty good one. So I'd have been better at taking orders than that."

The penny drops and Steve tries to say it. He says, "Bucky, that wasn't--if you feel like soldiers aren't supposed to argue with their commanding officer, that's...maybe that's not from the forties?"

"Hm," Bucky says. He laughs. "So you're saying, I'm thinking like the wrong soldier."

"Got it in one," Steve says.

Bucky laughs again and just as suddenly, he spaces out. The left arm can't, of course, but the rest of him goes a little limp, and he isn't really looking at anything. It's not the first time or anything like that, and in a minute he shakes himself like his hair is wet, and sort of smiles, sort of grimaces at Steve.

Steve knows he knows he wasn't there for a minute, and they both prefer to just carry on like normal. Things are more or less normal, after all.

"So you're saying I really did used to say you were wrong about all kinds of things, and not go along with you."

"I'm not just *saying*," Steve says. He always sounds like an asshole, which is usually fine, but right now he wishes he could sound a little more gentle. "I just mean, you remember that stuff too, right?"

"I do remember," Bucky says. "It's just...it's so fucking annoying and weird. 'Cause of course if I think about it, I know you're not going to electrocute me just for being an asshole, but if I don't think about it, then I don't really even notice where the way I'm thinking is coming from."

"Yeah, that sounds really fucking hard," Steve says.

"Yep," Bucky says. "Want to tell me some more stories about me being an asshole and not getting electrocuted?"

///

Steve's hair is getting too long so he cuts it in the bathroom. Bucky always said he was bad at it but stuff him, Steve thinks he does a pretty good job. When Bucky comes home it's later enough that Steve doesn't immediately remember he looks different, but Bucky is looking at him consideringly, and then suddenly very tense, tight, focused--"Hey, what is it?," Steve asks, "You look constipated"--and then immediately regrets it as he starts to think Bucky is gearing up to say something important. He waits, tries to keep his body language calm so Bucky will feel safe telling him.

But Bucky says, "The barber who did that must have been drunk off his ass, Steve." He swallows. "Unless...I *know* you didn't do that to yourself."

Steve smiles at him.

Bucky sits down theatrically, throwing up his hands. "Stevie, Stevie, what am I going to do with you? Didn't your ma teach you better than that? Hell, didn't *I* teach you?" His voice is casual, but his body just isn't.

It kind of sucks for Steve because he knows it's a test--Bucky needs to know nothing bad will come of talking like this, but how is Steve supposed to reassure him? In the old days he would have just ribbed him back, but Bucky might perceive that as a rebuke. But if he flat out tells him it's okay, better than okay, actually *great* for him to pick at Steve like that--well, Bucky will feel patronized and bristle.

In the end Steve just sits there with his smile getting cold on his face, and he tries to look neutral. Bucky watches him for too long, then relaxes a little and says, "Well, I guess you never know any better--you just don't listen. Come on over and let me fix it, you look like a rat."

So Steve comes on over there and lets him fix it.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the jumping off point for my series [Eat Rotten Fruit](http://archiveofourown.org/series/189656), but isn't actually part of it for various reasons.


End file.
